The Honeymoon is Over

I'm kind of at that point I always get to when I stop drinking again: The novelty of being sober has worn off, all my personality flaws and moral failings have reasserted themselves, and that sense of relief and empowerment I felt in the first few weeks are now but a distant memory. Gone are the days when I felt the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family for not being shit-faced drunk. I suppose it's a sign of progress that everyone just assumes now that I won't be drunk all weekend, but I miss those days when showing up sober still won me an "atta-boy." 

It's time I faced it: My honeymoon with sobriety is over. 

The magic is gone.

This is not to say I'm going back to the booze. I am not. I've now been sober for longer than at any other point since raising that first misbegotten drink to my pale, trembling lips those many years ago. That has to count for something. 

But I've been down this road often enough to realize that this is where things always start to go wobbly. I'm staring at the days and weeks ahead and realizing I'm going to have to chart a course forward that doesn't involve going back to my old way of life. I knew this moment was coming, because eventually it always does when I quit. In the past I've always white-knuckled it until the urges stopped or, more likely, I gave in and started the whole shit-show again. 

Well, not this time. I'm not going back. This time, I have a plan:

Finding Others

Not these people, though. Too happy for me.

Look, I do a lot of bitching on this shitty blog about AA, and this will no doubt continue. But here's the thing: It actually helps to be around other people who are going through it. This can mean going to meetings more often, or just reaching out to individuals I've met there. (I don't have a "sponsor," because the concept creeps me out. The guy who considers himself my "sponsor," I consider just one friend among many. In that sense, I have many sponsors, so maybe he and I are in an "open" sponsor relationship? Whatever. Like most things, I make it needlessly complicated.) Also, I mentioned the other day that I'd heard of a SMART group not too far from me. Now would be a good time to check it out. 

Excercise

Almost jogging

I'm no jock but, for awhile there, I was walking every morning. Vigorously. No, better than that: Briskly. Almost jogging, okay?Anyway, it's a start so shut up all of you. I've let it lapse these last couple of weeks, which is unfortunate because I really do feel much stronger physically and mentally afterwards. So this morning, when I'm done ranting on the internet, I'm going for a walk. Briskly. 

Meditation / Visualization

Whoa, my chakras are totally fucked up.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: Does that squishy new-age shit actually work? This may surprise you (as it did me), but the answer is yes. It takes practice and an open mind (two things I'm not particularly good at) but spending a few minutes a day pondering how shitty I'm going to feel AFTER the party, and then swapping out that vision for how empowered I feel when I choose NOT to dig myself back into that miserable shit-hole, it can carry me through a tough moment. 

I just need to be careful not to spend time visualizing those nice, chilly bottles of wine I don't guzzle anymore... 

Inspirational reading

I hate the Big Book.
There, I said it.

Yes, it does exist, and I'm not talking about the loathsome Big Book. There are a lot of web sites and books out there that aren't over-heavy on the preaching. I'm too lazy to post them and what works for me may not work for others, but that's why we have the Google Machine. Anyway, it's time to dust off a few of my favorites and read them again. 

Eat Something

This is called "food."

Ever tried to get drunk on a full stomach? Big fat waste of time. I rarely ate when I was drunk, because it interfered with my buzz. Food was, and is, the ultimate buzz-kill. If I'm eating something, it's a good sign that I'm not drinking booze, because it's pointless. Also, I'm less likely to have a lag in energy which not only makes me crabbier than usual, but erodes my resolve. This is why, for the first time in my adult life, I'm eating breakfast every day.

Escape

Take me away.

I'm a big fan of escapism. Escapism is underrated, IMO, and I'm going to engage in it for every second that my day allows. One of the things I had forgotten was how much I like to read. I can't count the number of times this last month when I've wanted to drink, but picked up a good book instead. And you know what? I forgot all about wanting that drink. (For some reason, this doesn't work for me with TV or movies or videos. There's apparently something unique about reading.) 

Also, for me, is writing. I've always written for as long as I can remember. It's the hub upon which my career was built, and I've started to pick it up again. Since I don't write as a J-O-B anymore, I'm able to write only what I want, when I want, how I want. This shitty blog is one example, but I've also resumed work on a novel and a memoir and some other projects I'd let languish. Writing is helpful for me, because it makes me focus and completely consumes me when I'm doing it. 

So, that's my plan in a nutshell. If you have any other suggestions, leave them in comments or @ me on twitter. But now if you'll excuse me, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I'm going for a walk.