The Upside to Being An Asshole

I've been sober long enough at this point to notice things are different now. Some of those things are simple, like the fact that my closet is neater, my files makes sense, my bills are paid on time. Life is more orderly now, less frenetic, and it feels good to reclaim the ordinary skills of daily living that others take for granted. 

But some things are more abstract and harder to pin down and are, honestly, kinda troubling -- like the fact that I seem incapable of reaching out to anyone lately, or that I'm maybe sleeping too much, or that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything outside of my regular boring routine. In fact, truth told, I just want to be left alone for awhile. 

Maybe part of why I don't want to talk to you right now is because there's no nice way to say, "I don't want to talk to you right now." 

Which raises another interesting thing: I've gotten a lot more blunt about what I'm thinking and feeling lately. This isn't something I've consciously decided to do, it just happened by itself. I can't seem to reign it in, and probably wouldn't if I could. But it does make me hesitant to be around others. 

Believe it or not, Dear Reader, but there was a time not long ago when I was thought to be a nice guy. Now? Not so much. Example: Someone invited me recently to an air show not far from here. The old me would have either A) bit my tongue and gone along because they really really wanted me to; or B) invented an elaborate excuse for why I couldn't go. Instead, I went right to option C) and blurted, "That sounds like my idea of Hell."  

Oddly enough, this feels like progress. One of the main reasons I drank the way I did was because it demolished my filters for awhile and allowed me to just say and do and be whatever I was feeling in the moment. I didn't have to be nice. I didn't have to be polite. I didn't have to get along. I'm only just now beginning to realize that I still don't have to. 

I'm reminded that it's not my job in this life to be everyone's nice guy, or to make everyone like me. It's not required that I go places and do things I don't want to do. I don't have to hold my tongue simply because someone might not like what I say. These things are not my job. I do not owe these things to the world.

The good thing about being sober is that, unlike when I was smashed, the filters are still there if and when I need them.  Still, it's kind of comforting to discover that I can be just as much of an asshole without the booze if I want to.