6 People Who Annoy The Shit Out of Me at Dinner Parties

Despite the fact that I've typically avoided dinner parties in the belief that they interfered with my drinking, I've nevertheless attended quite a few of them over the years. Dinner parties are a wonderful opportunity to mix & mingle with the beautiful people, many of whom annoyed the shit out of me when I was drunk -- and frankly, still do. I've compiled this handy list for your reference. 

Wine Tasters

I don't get people who drink wine to "complement" food. Let's face it, most wine -- even that fancy $10 shit -- tastes like a mixture of fermented produce and cough syrup. Seriously, are there people who actually drink wine because it tastes good? You'll forgive me if I'm unconvinced. I concluded long ago that no one drinks booze for the taste. I certainly never did. The only reason I ever drank was to get drunk. 

Food? What food.

In fact, I always preferred to keep it simple and just skip food all together. To hell with your effete wine pairing skills. I don't care if this Château d'Yquem Sauterne pairs nicely with your white truffle pate de foie gras. If the alcohol content is under 15%, you're wasting my time. 

Wasters

You gonna finish that?

For the life of me, I will never understand people who can walk away from a glass half full. Not only is it wasteful, but it signals to the host that he has somewhat questionable taste in wine. You might as well take a sip, spray the room with it and shout, "I can't drink this SWILL!" I always solved this by volunteering to help clear dirty dishes so I could discreetly finish off the wine everyone else had left behind.  

Slow drinkers

You know how it is when you’re at a dinner party, and as the host graciously fills your fourth glass of wine you notice that everyone else is still nursing their first? Even worse, an hour later, they've still barely touched it.

We're gonna need a bigger glass.

Your host says, "More wine, anyone?" And before you can slur "Sure, keep 'em commin," there's a polite consensus among the others that, thank you, they're fine for now. I was secretly convinced that my glass was somehow smaller than everyone else's. 

Tipsies

Two sips tipsy

You know the ones. A few sips on a white wine spritzer and they're suddenly getting the giggles. "Ooooo," they titter, "I'd better be careful. I'm getting a bit tipsy!" Please, just stop it. You can't possibly be feeling that half ounce of alcohol in that sissy little drink. My mom is one of these people. On her it's cute. The rest of you are just annoying to the real drunks. 

Nannies

The absolute worst. These are the ones who, even if they don't say it out loud, still manage to convey with their disapproving glances that you've probably had quite enough. Even worse, they'll show their deep concern for your health and safety: "Aren't you going to eat something?" they'll ask. Or, "Maybe you should alternate with sips of water. It's important to stay hydrated." They positively radiate disapproval and concern for your well being. Please promise me, now that I've quit drinking, that you'll kindly shoot me in the face if I ever become a Nanny.  

Other Drunks

I'll admit, these were the ones I sought out at dinner parties before I quit. We were best friends, even if we'd just met. They didn't annoy me then, but now that I've quit, they bug the shit me. Partly because I still have to sometimes fight the urge to join them. The old ache is still there. But mostly they bug me because I see myself in them and it makes me feel sad and embarrassed and pathetic. I don't feel superior to them -- I was them. And I'm just so fucking relieved that I don't have to be that way anymore.