Because, who does...?

It's probably a good thing that I don't read this shitty blog. Complain to the management, pal. I just work here... 

Saying it Fucking Nicely

I keep trying to say things "nicely." It keeps coming out "Fuck you."

A sober asshole is still an asshole.

I used to be a drunken asshole. Now I'm just an asshole. The thing that probably sucks the most about getting sober is that in some ways, I'm actually worse. Here are a few examples:

I still don't want to talk to you. 

It's not you -- it's me. I hate the phone. I'm notorious for hating the phone. I don't hate you, I just hate talking on the phone. I don't know why, so don't ask. It just IS. Why ask why? 

When I was drunk, you heard me in the background after someone else answered your call. I was the one tactfully screaming, "HANG UP!" Which is weird, because when I was drunk, I was also the one calling you at 3:00 AM to tell you what I really think of you. Now I dont even do that. 

I still procrastinate FOREVER. 

Now that I'm sober, I'm still finding reasons not to file my taxes from 1992. It used to because I was too drunk. Now I'm too sober. 

I'm still an introvert. 

Wanna get together? Sure, let me just check my calendar. It looks like I may have "never" free -- would that work for you?  I'll pencil you in. 

In fact, the only time I'm outgoing is when I'm smashed. I like seeing people then, because I'm endlessly witty and charming at those times. 

I still drive like an asshole. 

It's true. Someone actually said to me the other day that they thought I drove better when I was drunk. Not funny.

Granted, I'm exponentially less likely to kill someone while driving now. And if I end up in jail it won't be for DUI. So there's that... 

I'm still a slob. 

I used to pass out before starting the dishwasher. Now I just pass out before starting the dishwasher. 

Point is, none of my wonderful personality traits are gone now that I'm all blissfully sober & shit.  

Rock Bottom

Actually, I never did.  I always felt I could go lower if I really tried...

Today's Deep Thought

 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are totally hilarious when we're all just sittin around bullshitting... 

Enough About You

You know how it is when you're at an AA meeting and everyone just loves the sound of their "Recovery Voice?" Like their tragedy should be made into a major-budget blockbuster? 

Look, I know it's our time to share but could we at least stick to the topic? You're a drunk. You need to quit being a drunk. Could you just, y'know, talk about that? 

"Have I told  you about my eating disorder?" They start.  "My social anxiety? My fear of heights? My guilt, my anxiety, my special dietary needs? 

"Have I told you that my friend in third grade told me she hated me, and I called her a fat pig, and I was deeply scarred by that experience and that's why I've now been drunk for 20 years, but I made amends and even though she doesn't remember me I just want her to feel better now that I've finished my Fifth Step? 

Have I told you about how shattering it was last weekend when I locked my keys in my car along with my cigarettes? And it took Triple-A four hours to get there but thank god there was a Chinese restaurant across the street with really good fried rice, it's on the corner of Federal Highway and 10th Street, just past the gas station and the adult video store.

"Have I told you that by the grace of god, I now live an alcohol and gluten free life, even though I don't actually have Celiac Disease, but I still need God to keep me vegan and gluten free, because without Him I'm right back to eating cheese and drinking myself into oblivion and I'm totally nothing without God and so are you? 

"Have I told you how much that last high colonic unleashed something inside me and set me FREE? Have I told you that New Balance shoes are great but I need more arch support? 

"Have I told you how much I love talking?" 

Yes, you have. In fact, you've said quite enough. Please, just stop, because YOU'VE BEEN MONOPOLIZING THE MEETING FOR TWENTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES and I can't pound enough nails into my ears to un-hear you. 

I Don't Ask For Much, But...

...It would be okay with me if you just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

As promised:

Mattie & Milo. And yes, they ARE on the furniture. 

Easy Does It?

No, actually, sometimes easy doesn't do it. Sometimes it's really fucking hard. 

Who comes up with this shit...? 

My Honeymoon With Sobriety is Over

Right. So at 38 days I'm kind of at that point I always get to when I stop drinking again: The novelty of being sober has worn off, all my personality flaws and moral failings have reasserted themselves, and that sense of relief and empowerment I felt in the first few days are now but a distant memory. I'm staring at the days and weeks ahead and realizing I'm going to have to chart a course forward that doesn't involve getting shit-faced drunk. Alas, my honeymoon with sobriety is over.  

This is not to say I'm going back to being a drunk. I am not. I knew this moment was coming, because eventually it always does when I quit. In the past I've always white-knuckled it until the urges stopped or, more likely, I gave in and started the whole shit-show again. This time, I have a plan:

Going to Meetings

Yeah, I know I do a lot of bitching on this shitty blog about AA, and that will no doubt continue. But here's the thing: It actually helps a little to be around other people who are going through it. If I find other groups (i.e. SMART Recovery, etc) in my area I'll explore those, but for right now AA is the only game in town. 

Excercise

I've been walking. Briskly. Shut up, it's a start. And I do feel stronger afterwards. 

Visualization

I know what you're thinking: Does that squishy new-age shit work? The answer is yes. It takes practice and an open mind (two things I'm not particularly good at) but spending a few minutes a day pondering how shitty you're going to feel AFTER the party, and then swapping that vision for how empowered you feel when you choose NOT to dig yourself back into that miserable shit-hole, it can carry you through a tough moment. 

Just be careful not to spend time visualizing that nice, frosty beer you don't drink anymore... 

Inspirational reading

Yes, it does exist, and I'm not talking about the dreaded Big Book. There are a lot of web sites and books out there that aren't over-heavy on the preaching. I'm too lazy to post them, but that's why we have the Google Machine. 

Inspirational Writing

If you're the introverted writerly type like me, it can be helpful to write down your thoughts & feelings and refer back to them later. Keep a journal or, hell, start a pathetic, whiny-ass blog like this one. I find it at least as helpful as the average AA meeting, though your results may vary. 

Eat Something

Ever tried to get drunk on a full stomach? Big fat waste of time. I rarely ate when I was drunk, because it interfered with my buzz. Food is the ultimate buzz-kill. Plus, if you eat something you're less likely to have a lag in energy which erodes your resolve. Eat something. 

Escape

I'm a big fan of escapism. Escapism is underrated, IMO. Do something you enjoy. Read a novel, get up, get out, go shopping, do something fun.  Whatever gets you out of that moment. 

That's it for now. I'm sure I'll think of others later. 

Filed Under "Old Habits Die Hard"

Well shit. 38 days sober and just now realized I'm still driving with one eye covered... 

The Real Reason I Quit Drinkin'

It turns me into this.

As Long as You're Still Breathin'

Helps to remember this. 

My Unsolicited Advice to AA

So: That moment comes when you wake up in the gutter again -- or worse, jail -- and you're finally considering the possibility that perhaps, just maybe, you have a wee drinking problem. (Or, if you're like me, you've graduated from having a "troubling relationship with alcohol" as one therapist put it, to being, in fact a pathetic, shit-faced, falling-down drunk.)

You must do something about this, but what? You must call in reinforcements, but who? If you're the sensible drunk on a budget like me, you can't afford any fancy rehab. No, your first thought will be Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? Because they're well known, they're everywhere and, most important, they're free.

And, if their literature is to be believed, they have a proven track record of helping millions of people become and stay sober. I know there are those who quibble with this last point, and there is no shortage of AA haters out there. I am not an AA hater; more an AA heretic.

her·e·tic
  noun

1. A person holding an opinion at odds with what is generally accepted.

I often roll my eyes at some of AA's common wisdom, and I'm not particularly sold on much of its orthodoxy. In fact, sometimes it's really annoying. But if I haven't totally drunk the AA Kool Aid, I have nevertheless found that engaging with a group of like minded ex-drunks can be helpful. And after going to several groups in my area over time, I found one right in my neighborhood that doesn't make me break out in hives.

However, being me, and being now a seasoned veteran of 36 days sobriety, I have a few suggestions for how AA can become less cringeworthy:


Enough with the "chanting"

Everything we've seen & heard about this is true. In an AA meeting, you can't open your mouth without first announcing, "I'm John and I'm an alcoholic," to which the chorus immediately responds with, "Hi, John."

Really? Is this necessary? I mean we're all sitting in an Alcoholics fucking Anonymous meeting for god's sake. Do we really need to remind everyone of that simple fact every five seconds? I get that we have to face our alcoholism, but aren't we doing that by, y'know, showing up to an AA meeting? And I know we want to make everyone feel welcome, but I'm not sure mindlessly intoning "Hi, John" accomplishes this goal. In fact, it's kinda creepy. Add to this the Serenity Prayer, the Lord's Prayer, various slogans ("Keep coming back, it works if you work it!") and it all starts to feel a little zombie cult-like.


Ease up on the "Higher Power"

This is AA-speak for God. You'll see frequent references to God and faith in virtually all of AA's literature, including the Big Book. Look, it's fine if you believe in God, but many of us don't. If your faith in God helps you stay off the sauce who am I to argue? But being a man with no faith myself, it's not helpful to be told that the only path to sobriety is through faith in God. And what's really not helpful is the rather smug assumption on the part of the faithful that eventually I'll come around, that if I just keep coming back, if I just read the Big Book enough, I'll have some kind of spiritual awakening. It's a bit like telling a Rabbi that he should forsake his rebellious nature and accept the Lord Jesus as his personal savior.


About that Big Book

Look, I don't have a huge problem with the Book itself. It actually has some good advice in it, if you can get past the archaic language. No, what bugs me about it is that, again, it just reinforces the overall impression that AA is, at heart, a religion. I think it's just great that 30-year veterans of AA can quote it chapter and verse, but I doesn't really help me all that much when I'm jonesin' for my next drink.

And while I'm at it, is there some reason we have to read the fucking thing out loud in meetings for forty minutes? The time would be better spent letting people talk. Hearing other peoples' stories and interacting with them is the whole reason I even bother going to a meeting. Do we really need another recitation of scripture?


Preaching the Gospel

I was raised in an evangelical christian household, and I can tell you that no one -- and I mean no one wants to be preached at. The people who find themselves in AA meetings come from all different backgrounds. Often the only common thread we share is that we're drunks who want to be ex-drunks.

That said, AA literature, testimonials and culture is peppered with declarative statements that would imply there is only one way to achieve the goal of sobriety. Certainly there is the oft-stated belief that only by virtue of one's faith in God can one get there.

I try to avoid the fanatics. You can usually spot them by the earnest, born-again look in their eyes and their tendency to start every testimonial with the declaration that they were nothing before coming to AA.


Could we get some decent coffee?

Just kidding. The coffee is okay, even when it's terrible.

In Which We Ponder the Darker Ironies of Life...

Woke up with this in my head. Dammit.