Enough About You

You know how it is when you're at an AA meeting and everyone just loves the sound of their "Recovery Voice?" Like their tragedy should be made into a major-budget blockbuster? 

Look, I know it's our time to share but could we at least stick to the topic? You're a drunk. You need to quit being a drunk. Could you just, y'know, talk about that? 

"Have I told  you about my eating disorder?" They start.  "My social anxiety? My fear of heights? My guilt, my anxiety, my special dietary needs? 

"Have I told you that my friend in third grade told me she hated me, and I called her a fat pig, and I was deeply scarred by that experience and that's why I've now been drunk for 20 years, but I made amends and even though she doesn't remember me I just want her to feel better now that I've finished my Fifth Step? 

Have I told you about how shattering it was last weekend when I locked my keys in my car along with my cigarettes? And it took Triple-A four hours to get there but thank god there was a Chinese restaurant across the street with really good fried rice, it's on the corner of Federal Highway and 10th Street, just past the gas station and the adult video store.

"Have I told you that by the grace of god, I now live an alcohol and gluten free life, even though I don't actually have Celiac Disease, but I still need God to keep me vegan and gluten free, because without Him I'm right back to eating cheese and drinking myself into oblivion and I'm totally nothing without God and so are you? 

"Have I told you how much that last high colonic unleashed something inside me and set me FREE? Have I told you that New Balance shoes are great but I need more arch support? 

"Have I told you how much I love talking?" 

Yes, you have. In fact, you've said quite enough. Please, just stop, because YOU'VE BEEN MONOPOLIZING THE MEETING FOR TWENTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES and I can't pound enough nails into my ears to un-hear you.