My Unsolicited Advice to AA

So: That moment comes when you wake up in the gutter again -- or worse, jail -- and you're finally considering the possibility that perhaps, just maybe, you have a wee drinking problem. (Or, if you're like me, you've graduated from having a "troubling relationship with alcohol" as one therapist put it, to being, in fact a pathetic, shit-faced, falling-down drunk.)

You must do something about this, but what? You must call in reinforcements, but who? If you're the sensible drunk on a budget like me, you can't afford any fancy rehab. No, your first thought will be Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? Because they're well known, they're everywhere and, most important, they're free.

And, if their literature is to be believed, they have a proven track record of helping millions of people become and stay sober. I know there are those who quibble with this last point, and there is no shortage of AA haters out there. I am not an AA hater; more an AA heretic.

her·e·tic
  noun

1. A person holding an opinion at odds with what is generally accepted.

I often roll my eyes at some of AA's common wisdom, and I'm not particularly sold on much of its orthodoxy. In fact, sometimes it's really annoying. But if I haven't totally drunk the AA Kool Aid, I have nevertheless found that engaging with a group of like minded ex-drunks can be helpful. And after going to several groups in my area over time, I found one right in my neighborhood that doesn't make me break out in hives.

However, being me, and being now a seasoned veteran of 36 days sobriety, I have a few suggestions for how AA can become less cringeworthy:


Enough with the "chanting"

Everything we've seen & heard about this is true. In an AA meeting, you can't open your mouth without first announcing, "I'm John and I'm an alcoholic," to which the chorus immediately responds with, "Hi, John."

Really? Is this necessary? I mean we're all sitting in an Alcoholics fucking Anonymous meeting for god's sake. Do we really need to remind everyone of that simple fact every five seconds? I get that we have to face our alcoholism, but aren't we doing that by, y'know, showing up to an AA meeting? And I know we want to make everyone feel welcome, but I'm not sure mindlessly intoning "Hi, John" accomplishes this goal. In fact, it's kinda creepy. Add to this the Serenity Prayer, the Lord's Prayer, various slogans ("Keep coming back, it works if you work it!") and it all starts to feel a little zombie cult-like.


Ease up on the "Higher Power"

This is AA-speak for God. You'll see frequent references to God and faith in virtually all of AA's literature, including the Big Book. Look, it's fine if you believe in God, but many of us don't. If your faith in God helps you stay off the sauce who am I to argue? But being a man with no faith myself, it's not helpful to be told that the only path to sobriety is through faith in God. And what's really not helpful is the rather smug assumption on the part of the faithful that eventually I'll come around, that if I just keep coming back, if I just read the Big Book enough, I'll have some kind of spiritual awakening. It's a bit like telling a Rabbi that he should forsake his rebellious nature and accept the Lord Jesus as his personal savior.


About that Big Book

Look, I don't have a huge problem with the Book itself. It actually has some good advice in it, if you can get past the archaic language. No, what bugs me about it is that, again, it just reinforces the overall impression that AA is, at heart, a religion. I think it's just great that 30-year veterans of AA can quote it chapter and verse, but I doesn't really help me all that much when I'm jonesin' for my next drink.

And while I'm at it, is there some reason we have to read the fucking thing out loud in meetings for forty minutes? The time would be better spent letting people talk. Hearing other peoples' stories and interacting with them is the whole reason I even bother going to a meeting. Do we really need another recitation of scripture?


Preaching the Gospel

I was raised in an evangelical christian household, and I can tell you that no one -- and I mean no one wants to be preached at. The people who find themselves in AA meetings come from all different backgrounds. Often the only common thread we share is that we're drunks who want to be ex-drunks.

That said, AA literature, testimonials and culture is peppered with declarative statements that would imply there is only one way to achieve the goal of sobriety. Certainly there is the oft-stated belief that only by virtue of one's faith in God can one get there.

I try to avoid the fanatics. You can usually spot them by the earnest, born-again look in their eyes and their tendency to start every testimonial with the declaration that they were nothing before coming to AA.


Could we get some decent coffee?

Just kidding. The coffee is okay, even when it's terrible.