In Which I Ruminate on Love, Marriage & Family at 3 AM

It's 3:30 AM, a time of day when no normal person should be awake. I'm not normally given to insomnia, but here I am. Not sure why I'm in my living room at this hour, with the lights down low, the dogs curled up next to me on the couch. Why am I awake? Am I worried about something?

Why no -- aside from my health, my job, my bills, my aging parents, my hurricane-prone house, my car or my marriage, I haven't a care in the world. 

Not worried. 

Yeah so, about that "marriage" thing. I put it in quotes because, you see, it isn't actually a marriage. Oh, it was supposed to be eventually. We always acted like it was, more or less, and after 32 years together it had always walked and talked and felt like a marriage. But it wasn't a marriage, not literally, because until a couple of years ago we weren't allowed to be married. (btw, I'm gay. Have I mentioned that I'm gay?) 

Anyway, both of our families long ago came to see us as a couple. We're "the uncles," as in, "Are the uncles coming for Easter this year?" or "The uncles sent me a birthday card!" 

Kinda like this.

We've watched all the little nieces & nephews grow up over the years, and now we're watching all the little grand-nieces & nephews grow up. I'm Uncle Crabby to those kids and I am, indeed, a better man for it. We're one big happy family, except that... well, we're not, actually. Family, I mean. Not quite.  

Because, see, once it finally became legal for us to get married, once all the shouting and the grandstanding by the repugnant Kim Davis's of the world had died down, once the dust had more or less settled on the whole gay marriage thing, and after most of  our longtime friends, other couples like us, started finally putting on that ring, I went to him and asked when we were finally going to do it too. 

And he said no. 

Not just like that, not like OMG what are you thinking, of course I'd never marry you!!! It was more like layers of equivocation: We shouldn't rush into anything (after 32 fucking years), it's a big step, there are legal issues, financial issues, etc and etc and etc. In short, there are considerations... 

And now, as my relatively newfound sobriety gradually allows me to see reality for what it actually is, I'm left to realize that maybe three decades of pattern-drinking wasn't the best way to woo someone to marry me. I just always assumed that we would when the time came. (And let me just say for the record, no, I did not stop drinking in an effort to entice him to say yes. Still, a big part of why I quit was for the sake of our relationship, whatever that is now. Anyway, shut up all of you. It's complicated.)

Which leaves me here, at 3:30 AM, with the hard truth of how my behavior has impacted this relationship, and how close I'd come to completely fucking it up. And how lucky I am to still have him here, and for my extended family on both sides. Because the fact is, I'm the only drunk among us. Tea toters, every one of 'em, and as frustrating as that can be to a drunk, it really helps in my determination to put it down and live a free and sober life. I don't want to be the drunk uncle anymore, a goal we all share, and I'm really very grateful that they somehow still find me lovable and still somehow want me at the table with them. 

Anyway, talk amongst yourselves, I'm suddenly a little verklempt...