My Higher Power is Cthulhu

Welp, turns out that if I'm going to succeed at the 12 Steps I'm going to need a Higher Power. This isn't as easy as it sounds for a card-carrying atheist like me, but when in Rome, etcetera. 

I've been shopping around, and have narrowed the list to these leading contenders:

Cthulhu

I like Cthulhu for this because simply looking upon him drives one insane, which pretty much preempts any need to get drunk. Also Cthulhu is huge, which gives the phrase "getting smashed" a whole new and literal meaning. While the rest of you are reciting the Serenity Prayer, I'll be chanting "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Bacchus

The original Party God. Wine was my thing, so who better to be my higher power than the god of grapes. The greeks called him Dionysus, but whatever his name, one thing is sure: Dude knew how to have a good time. 

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

In Carbs We Trust. Food was always a buzz-kill for me, and I often forewent eating entirely in the belief that it interfered with my drinking. In that context, it might make sense to worship a supernatural flying dry good. 

Maleficent

For those times when I'm the only one at the party without a cocktail, it's always fun to channel my inner wicked queen. 

This Tree

Because why not? Since I don't believe in make-believe, it only makes sense for my higher power to be something, y'know, real.