I've been thinking a lot about honesty lately. I'm always a little envious when people jauntily tell me how bitchy they can be, or that what you see with them is what you get. I'm jealous that they find it so easy to just blurt out whatever comes to mind, and are therefore unburdened of any secrets. Because I'm now trying to unburden myself, and I'm finding it damn hard.
I struggle with how to be "honest" without being "too honest," and as with most things, I make it needlessly complicated. To me, being honest has always been less a straight up/down, on/off proposition -- more like 50 Shades of Truth. Must we be either brutally honest, or lying through out teeth? Or are there gray areas, times when one needn't tell the truth -- or at least not the whole truth? If I smile and make polite chit-chat over dinner when I'm actually thinking, Fuck this, I'm so outta here, is that a lie?
People often tell me with great earnestness to just be honest about what's really going on inside my head, to share my feeeeelings, to open up. But it doesn't always work out so well for me. When I am finally honest, I often get shocked silence, embarrassment, hurt feelings, or outright anger in return.
I suppose I can't really blame people for this. It's not their fault that they're shocked or confused when I finally show them what I'm actually thinking and feeling, because what I've always shown them in the past bears no resemblance to what I'm showing them now. It's completely understandable that they'd feel angry or betrayed. I haven't aways been honest with them in what I project. Does that mean I've lied?
When people ask me to be honest and then get angry when I am, does it mean they didn't really want me to be honest in the first place? Does that make them liars?
Is withholding information not being honest? I spent my early formative years trying to make sure no one in my small town -- including family, close friends, teachers, clergy, etc -- knew that I was queer. It seemed expedient to my survival at the time, but even now, standing before you as the well-adjusted, confident gay man that I've since become (ahem), I still find myself in situations where my reflex is it hide it. I don't, god forbid, pretend to be straight or make up stories about having a wife or girlfriend somewhere. But I don't necessarily correct them if they make presumptions about "my wife." (Shut up, all of you, it still actually happens.) Does that make me a liar?
My point is that my desire to hide is so engrained that I often do it reflexively. Sometimes I'm not even aware of it. And, whether you think the above examples make liars of us all, or that there's maybe something to be said for tact and diplomacy, the fact remains that I have a decades-long pattern of subterfuge and camouflage that have proven ultimately toxic and destructive.
Which is why I can't always tell where the lines are drawn between honesty and rudeness, candor and cruelty. I frankly haven't developed the skill sets to be proficient at this whole honesty thing without accidentally burning the house down.
Bear with me, please. I'm working on it.
This problem is part of what keeps me sober. One drink and I would be calling everyone telling them what I REALLY think and revisiting burnt bridges, trying to re-ignite them.
ReplyDeleteRight? A big part of why I drank the way I did was because it was the only time when I felt like I could be honest and not give a shit what anyone thought. Not a very nice way to be, but it was a relief for me not to have to hide my feelings for awhile.
DeleteI have this taped to my bathroom mirror:
ReplyDelete"A smart person knows what to say, a wise person knows whether or not to say it." It's my daily reminder.
You do not owe the world to tell everyone all your business. Who cares if someone we have only casual contact with makes false assumptions about our relationships (that you are a heterosexual with a wife, that my housemate is my husband)? Not wasting energy explaining ourselves is not the same as lying.
ReplyDeleteI totally get that. And not wasting energy is important for me these days. I thought quitting the booze would give me more energy, but that hasn't proven necessarily true. Have I mentioned I sleep, like, 10 hours a night now? Also, sometimes it takes more energy for me to withhold information, than to just SAY IT. I'm trying to figure out which option takes more energy in the short- and long-term for me.
Delete